I love my school and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a really hard time. My first two years in college, I struggled a lot. At the end of my first semester, I was thinking about coming home and thought I wasn’t good enough to be the athlete and runner I wanted to be. It didn’t start in college though. Growing up, I was always a really athletic kid and I focused on sports my whole life. Even though now I have enough confidence to see how I am lucky to have the athleticism and gift to be able to do what I do and have done so far with athletics, I wasn’t always like this. I probably was the person with the lowest self-esteem you could ever have met back then. I just never thought I was good enough. I would cry after every game, always trying to figure out what else I could do to be better. I was always self-conscious about my weight. Always thought I was bigger and bulkier than girls. My parents would get so frustrated because I would always compliment other players and talk about them and they knew how much I cared. They always told me “People would kill to be like you”. Soccer was my favorite sport. I always focused on it and going into high school. I was excited and determined to take it more seriously because my dream was to play in college. This is where everything started. I honestly couldn’t tell you exactly one factor that caused me to struggle with eating disorders and depression, but I know what didn’t help me and what I do now to build and grow from it.

“I also thought it would be good to eat healthier. Little did I know that obsessing over the “perfect” diet can be just as harmful.”

Perfect. Something that athletes naturally being so competitive feel is the standard to be the best. I didn’t know back then that I have this perfectionist-wired mindset. I just always told myself that I wasn’t good enough. “I hate you”. I started focusing on soccer when I started high school. I started to train on my own and also, workout on my own after school. I also thought it would be good to eat healthier. Little did I know that obsessing over the “perfect diet” can be just as harmful. I never was a super unhealthy kid. I have a big sweet tooth, chocolate and sweets were my go to’s and still, I love dessert. I was lucky my parents always overall made sure we had a pretty balanced healthy diet especially for being super active. I was that girl in middle school when girls would talk about diets to not worry about calories, “they don’t mean anything, you need to eat a lot”. When high school started, that’s when I finally was informed about what a calorie actually was, and my mindset started to change. When I had Pinterest and Instagram starting high school, “thinspo” was still a popular “healthy” thing to look at. This is where I started researching everything about food, exercise, calories, and weight loss. I compared myself to other athletes, models, and other famous girls I would see on the media and I started to think in the way of, “smaller is better”. Suddenly I went from being that girl telling people to not worry about calories to counting everything going into my mouth and seeing if my bones were showing. Body checking every chance I could. Making sure I felt hunger and never full. Purposely making it seem like I ate more. Throwing out my food. I always thought I was bigger growing up and fatter than other girls. Naturally, I am an athletic girl, I have an athletic body type and in the media especially when I started high school, girls were portrayed as beautiful when they were super small and thin rather than muscular and strong. It started with good intentions at the start. I would bring more fruit and vegetables to school and I would still eat a lot throughout the day. Then, there was the day when it was no longer good.

I vividly remember the moment I was with my friends in a car we were all driving somewhere and had gotten dinner. I didn’t get any, and in the car I remember feeling this ravenous hunger. That was the first time I felt like I was doing something right, I was doing good because I was hungry. After that moment, it turned into no more breakfast, no lunch, a protein bar at school and then came home and ate a little bit of dinner. It’s honestly heartbreaking now writing all of this because I remember how much pain and exhaustion I was putting my body through. As I restricted more and more, I exercised more and more. I had a job, had soccer practice, and would still find a way to constantly exercise. I would constantly be body checking and comparing myself to anyone around me. The problem was, I always saw myself as ugly, fat, disgusting, not good enough. Even when I saw the scale drop, I still wanted to be smaller. When I saw my ribs, I still thought I needed to lose fat on my stomach. My mental health spiraled along with my eating disorder. I hated myself and I would have suicidal thoughts and I started to get panic attacks in school if I ate something. I would feel numb to everything, empty.

The worst feeling overall I can say was not how it impacted me, but my family and the people around me. I was a really happy kid, very positive and people always asked me in school how I was always so happy. When everything happened, my parents started asking me why I was so mean and sad all time. I remember I saw my mom cry for the first time, it broke me. I would come home and not talk to anyone and if I talked to my parents I was always giving and attitude or lashing out. My dad would always poke me and tell me how weak I was getting. There were increasing amounts of fights and growing tension every time I stepped foot into my house as time went on. I still feel so sorry and heartbroken for how I treated them, that’s just a glimpse of how I was. My best friend started to notice and I remember the first moment when we were in her room and she said to me, “Case, you’ve always been small and thin, but you look like really skinny Case”. My other friends started to see how little I would eat at work and how much I would exercise.

“Even when I saw the scale drop, I still wanted to be smaller. When I saw my ribs, I still thought I needed to lose fat on my stomach. My mental health spiraled along with my eating disorder. I hated myself and I would have suicidal thoughts and I started to get panic attacks in school if I ate something.”

The scariest thing is, you still see yourself worthless no matter what anyone says to you, and you think you’re fine, you think you’re still not doing enough. My mom finally took me to get evaluated after another panic attack I had at school in the nurse’s office. This is where I found out I had an eating disorder and severe depression. Even though they told me I had an eating disorder, I figured I was fine because the man across the desk said, “Well, your BMI looks healthy” and he didn’t seem concerned. After I left, I felt relieved knowing I wasn’t crazy, there was actually something going on that was making me feel empty, but at the same time, I was so frustrated because I had an eating disorder and wasn’t “sick enough”. The one thing I realized today after going to college and starting to focus on performance is that with mental health and disordered eating, you never feel good enough. That was something and is still something I fight with every day. The concern I have today is how health can still be based on a calculation that doesn’t take into account all factors of the body. We shouldn’t define our self-worth with numbers or a calculation. Food is more than just fuel, it keeps us alive, it’s cultural, it is good for the soul, it brings people together in a positive way. But I continued basing my life off of numbers. Then my life was flipped upside down.

March 30th, 2018, I remember this moment and day so clearly because I was telling my dad how much I didn’t want to go to New Jersey that day for a soccer showcase. My goals and dreams were all set in place toward playing D1 soccer down south. I wanted to go away for sure, and I wanted to be warm. My dad told me I should go and play anyway, and we drove a couple of hours there to play two games. The second game, with two minutes left, I was playing defense, defending a girl running alongside her as she ran towards our net. I pivot and turn to get the ball and after that everything is black. I tried getting up and I remember tears streaming down my face because I was trying so hard and couldn’t. I honestly felt paralyzed. I still see my dad running along the sideline as I’m laying sideways on the grass. That day I went home thinking I tore my hamstring, the next day I found out I tore my ACL. This was when everything changed for me. Mentally, I was the most depressed I had been for a few weeks, but then I knew that wasn’t going to help. I changed my mindset, and I was determined and motivated to get back as soon as possible. My dad said to me, “Case, no more of this. You have to stop. This is your body telling you, you need to take care of yourself.” Now, I didn’t just start to eat more and have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. That is not it at all. I would feel guilty after every food, scared of weight gain because I knew I couldn’t exercise the way I wanted too. I felt trapped and lost. I struggled every day and still now, I struggle every day. When I got cleared after six months, I started to love running. I played a lot of sports growing up, and track was one of them. I never took it seriously, I only did it for soccer to help me. It helped me a lot. As I got older, I loved seeing how well I did during the conditioning parts of practice and I started to feel proud of myself. When I got cleared, I didn’t enjoy playing as much. Running became my outlet and my therapy. I started to fall in love with the mental and individual toughness it brings. This is where my whole future I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl changed.

I would have never thought I would have ended up becoming a runner. Now, I couldn’t be happier. I miss soccer, but I know that it’s never gone and that sometimes, things happen for a reason. When I came to FAU, I tried to change my eating habits for the better, I thought I was “healthy” until I wasn’t. I became hyper focused on, “healthy eating”. On social media, dieting and clean eating became a more and more popular topic. I kept learning more and more everyday about foods, diets, “best ways to lose weight”. Social media became a friend, but also my worst enemy. I started to surround myself with runners and athletes so my feed would keep me motivated, but in the same way, it was so detrimental. When I started college and got into the running world, it became less about losing weight and more about body composition and losing fat, being super lean. I started to compare myself to every athlete and runner on social media and became hyper aware of what I ate as a result. I focused on calorie deficits and macros now. I was eating, but not too much. Food is fuel, but just the right amount. I didn’t think I was unhealthy. This is healthy right? I had to see a dietitian at my school because of the two stress reactions I got in both my shins my first two seasons at school. When I saw the doctor, it was my first time ever being informed about RED-S or female athlete triad as my doctor explained it at the time. Amenorrhea because I wasn’t getting my period. Again, I didn’t think much of it because he also didn’t seem too concerned because of my BMI being healthy. Now, I always remind myself to let go of thinking about the stigma of “smaller is better” because I know that I would rather be healthy, I would rather be strong and be able to run then keep getting injured and worse, in a hospital inpatient somewhere for an eating disorder. I didn’t know how important getting your period was until I started researching more about RED-S and I’m happy I did. Female athletes don’t realize that the way you look doesn’t always correlate to how you feel and more importantly, your health. I used to get upset and ashamed when I got my period, thinking I was getting fatter, putting on too much weight…which isn’t accurate at all. For females, your period regulates your hormones and that’s why we need it. If you don’t get your period, it can cause bone loss and osteoporosis. Undereating causes mood swings, hair loss, bad circulation and your organs to shut down. I am so thankful for my school and the resources I have access to because I know not everyone has access to the same resources and people I do for help. My dietician was really kind and at first, I struggled a lot. I didn’t trust her, but mostly didn’t trust myself around food. I was scared of losing control. Scared of all the what ifs of weight gain, my performance, what people will think. When your biggest fear is food and gaining weight and the person trying to help you tells you you aren’t eating enough, it’s scarier than it seems. I would listen to her thinking she was crazy, “I need to eat how much?”. For so long, everything she said to me and every food she told me I needed to eat, had a big warning sign covering it in my head, a voice telling me I can’t do that, can’t eat this.

“I used to get upset and ashamed when I got my period, thinking I was getting fatter, putting on too much weight…which isn’t accurate at all.”

At the dining hall, I remember looking at my friends and seeing what they ate and being shocked and confused how they were so carefree about eating so much. The problem for me was being a perfectionist. It’s hard for athletes not too because naturally, we are super competitive, and we just want to be the best we can be. I would try to listen to my dietician and get super scared because I kept thinking about what it will do to my body. For females, especially with sports focused a lot on how you look, it can cause more internal issues. I have talked to so many female athletes, especially runners, all who struggled with their weight, food, and body image. It makes me so upset because I think back to my lowest point, lying on the floor in my room at 1 am after doing an hour circuit because I felt like I ate too much that day. I remember I felt so exhausted and I just thought I would fall asleep right there and wouldn’t wake up and I wanted to just, not wake up. When I got my second stress reaction, I was a mess. I wouldn’t un do the injuries I’ve had though, they’ve made me stronger and grow so much as a person. This is when I started to try and view food as fuel. Not the enemy. Again, it isn’t a linear mindset. Everyday is a really hard struggle. What helps me though is knowing that everyday is a new day, and that means an opportunity to grow and learn from the last day. Everyday is a day to try something new and uncomfortable, something new to grow from. When I got injured again going into my sophomore year in fall this year, at the end of pre season before cross country, I was upset, but I knew that I was going to be okay and that it was a sign and a way for me to be even better than before. I knew I would have bad days and would get frustrated being alone and away from the team, but I knew it was temporary and another way for me to come back stronger. Having a positive mindset also comes with who you surround yourself with. I met so many new girls at school this year who have been so kind and generous and have made being alone not feel so alone. February 1st, I started dating my boyfriend, Alonso. I know it probably seems random, but he’s a huge and probably the number one thing that has helped me grow so much. Surrounding yourself with people who really love and care about you and are positive influences, is a really important factor to help you in life in general, but also especially mentally. Energy is so influential and if you put yourself with good energy, you’re going to feel good, feel happy. I am so grateful for Alonso because he not only supports me, motivates me and gives me advice, he also is honest and even if it’s not what I want to hear, it’s what I need to hear. I love him so much and feel more thankful everyday for everything he does for me. I have learned so much from him and with my injury, it’s kept me smiling the whole way through even with the bad days. With him also being an insane athlete, playing soccer, he relates and understands everything. He is the hardest worker I know and I admire and look up to him. “Case, you’re not enjoying the process. You have to enjoy the journey instead of being sad and frustrated”. Seeing how he views food and his relationship changed everything for me and made me realize how wrong I’ve been for so long. After being with these people and trying new foods, going out of my comfort zone, I am the happiest I’ve been and the strongest physically and metnally. I recovered quicker and more smoothly and I have energy to do the things I love and am not scared to eat out with my boyfriend or my friends. Now, I am writing this, December 2nd, starting to run again, Alonso home in Spain. I am happier than I have ever been and am just thankful to be running again. Trusting the process and taking it day by day.

Social media flaunts this perfect life and the highlights of everyone’s daily life. The problem is, athletes like me only see the professionals and influencers having perfect training days, good workouts, six packs, and their healthy diets. Athletes like me also don’t comprehend that these elite and professional athletes have been training for years and years and weren’t always at the point they are now. The truth is, no athlete is the same. You can’t compare yourself to someone who is not you. You are good enough the way you are, there is nothing wrong with you. I would be lying to you if I said I 100% thought this about myself everyday, but I tell myself everyday that I am where I need to be and I think about everything my body does for me. Progress is better than staying still. We don’t see that they were once like us. We see everyone’s different views and opinions. “Runners don’t need to lift weights”, “runners need to do more mileage”, “runners need to be small”, “she looks pretty big for a runner”, “runners don’t need to be strong”. I have heard so many theories about running and female athletes in general, that I now realize I just want to do what I enjoy, listen to my coach and do everything I can and that’s how I’ll truly become better. I just want to be healthy and happy. There’s so many ideas and sayings out there for not just runners, but all female athletes, and it causes so much misconception about how and where they should be. That is why I was so happy when I reached out to one of my favorite runners, Elise Cranny, and she gave me advice and just an amazing conversation about running, being an athlete and going through injury. I am really happy and thankful to be writing my story because I know how helpful it is for me to see and be able to relate to others who have been through similar events and obstacles as me and I really hope that even if it is just one person, that I can help in some way by sharing my journey. Mentally, being an athlete has caused me a lot of struggle and challenges, but also so much happiness and love. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t doing what I love.

Doing more isn’t always better and I learnt this the hard way, but wouldn’t have it change. To be happy doing what you love, to perform at your best, you need fuel and you need to be kind to your body. I hope this can help show you that where you are now is ok. Perfect shouldn’t be your standard. It took me a really, really long time to do this as well. Don’t give up. Accept where you are right now. Trust the process.