I’ve always been a people-person. Hanging out with my friends was how I spent most of my time in middle and high school. Things drastically changed as the years went on…

I played soccer since I was 3 years old. I was on town teams as well as club teams, the love for the sport was real until tryouts junior year of high school- when I got cut from the soccer team. My mom, dad, and older brother  were runners. I couldn’t even think about becoming a runner. I would run to train for soccer and my mom would bike next to me, hoping one day I wouldn’t complain about it. When I found out there wasn’t a spot for me on the soccer team, my mom came to me and said “we would never force you to do cross country, but it would give you something to do and you could have a lot of potential.” I thought about it day after day and decided to give running a try. I joined my high school’s cross country team, which was VERY dreadful at first, but as each day went on, I grew to like it more and more. 

As senior year of high school approached quickly, I was in love with the sport of running. I started to run more and decided I wanted to continue my education and running in college.

I toured many colleges and decided Westfield State University was the place for me. The team felt like a family and the coach was someone I felt I would fit well with. 

The summer going into my freshman year of college, I really started to train.   I didn’t have high expectations, considering I was pretty new to running. 

Fast forward to my first meet freshman year of college…I surprised myself, as well as many others. After seeing how well I did, I knew I had potential. I stuck to the training plan and continued to see my times getting faster. Winter track came and I was in the 5K at the championship meet. I came out of no where and ran an 18:55, qualifying for the division III meet. NOW I am on a runner’s high and wanted it more and more. 

“The fear of gaining weight was always in my head. Along with restricting, I was constantly weighing myself and never liked the number but what could I do? I was injured and physically could not run.”

Here is where my journey started- the summer going into sophomore year. I had a severe IT band injury and was not able to run for about 2 months. I was devastated because the summer is when all the training happens. So, in my head I thought, “well I can’t run, but is there something I can do to help myself?” I resorted to food. I knew I could control how much food I consumed. I found myself started to restrict what I ate. The fear of gaining weight was always in my head. Along with restricting, I was constantly weighing myself and never liked the number, but what could I do? I was injured and physically could not run. Towards the end of the summer, I was able to slowly start back running. Cross country and indoor track season was tough for me, but outdoor track was where I shined. My first outdoor track meet I ran the 10K and qualified for division III’s, as well as All New England’s. The happiness was unbelievable and in my head I continued to think, “what else can I do to make myself even better?” I started to add in more milage and continue to restrict. At this point, my period has been gone for 7 months. I didn’t see a problem with that, but ended up going to the doctors that summer, only to be put on the pill (which I started to get my period with it). Now, I’m on the pill, running more, and continuing to restrict what I eat. 

Junior year cross country was not good. I started to go downhill. My legs wouldn’t go and everything felt hard. I actually started falling to the ground after racing. Everyone thought it was the pill, so I went off of it and lost my period again. Once I went off of it, I wanted to think I felt better but something was still off. People would tell me I wasn’t eating enough for the amount I was running, but I didn’t mind. I actually liked it. As junior year continued and now into senior year, my milage was higher than ever. My running was not improving and I couldn’t figure it out. I was training so hard and in my head “eating very healthy.” 

I had a very set schedule as to what and when I could eat. If that got messed up, my day would be ruined. My mom wanted me to have a granola bar at 4:00pm, but why would I do that? That’s not the time I’m supposed to eat at. So that caused a meltdown.

My senior year came to a close early because of COVID, which was heartbreaking. Since I was home and didn’t have much to do, I started running more. It started to become a toxic obsession. After my long runs, I would get dizzy and nearly pass out. I had a very set schedule as to what and when I could eat. If that got messed up, my day would be ruined. My mom wanted me to have a granola bar at 4:00pm, but why would I do that? That’s not the time I’m supposed to eat at, so that caused a meltdown. The scale became my best friend. I would be on that thing multiple times a day. I loved seeing the number go down, not realizing what I was doing to myself. 

Doing this, caused me to want to be by myself. Hanging out with people started to become a chore. Food was always on my mind- when I would eat and what I would eat. I didn’t want to put myself in a situation I would regret, so I kept myself safe by staying in the environment where I had control. 

2 and a half years later, still haven’t got my period on my own. I decided to go back to the doctors to see what they said. July 2020, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and referred to treatment at Walden Behavior Care for 10 weeks. My first day in treatment I was told I could not run. I was devastated. My whole life was taken away from me. Treatment wasn’t easy- there were days I had a meltdown over a cup of oatmeal because I didn’t want to finish it. There were also days when I knew I was surrounded by the best team that only wanted to help me. 

5 months later, still not able to run, I know I will be back. Through this process I’ve learned a ton. Thinner is not faster, nor stronger, not fueling your body will cause bone density loss and heart problems, and so much more. 

Also, I hope some day soon, nutritionists can become part of the athletic department in schools. This is important because coaches can only know so much about sports nutrition and how to help an athlete.  

My recovery journey is far from over, but I won’t give up. Would I give up running a race? No. So how is this any different? It’s not. Small steps every day and I will be back, better than ever.