I grew up in a Weight Watchers household, viewing fat and carbs as the enemy, and learning from a very young age what “points” were. I’ve always been tall and was acutely aware of whether I was gaining or losing weight, thanks to ongoing body-related comments, courtesy of my mother. So going on my first diet at the age of 16 wasn’t out of the ordinary – after all, all I knew was how to diet based on what I saw at home. I figured it was my turn to try.

The diet quickly spiraled out of control, as I realized that less calories meant less bodyweight; so my goal turned into a challenge: “how much do I actually need to eat in a day?” I lost weight quickly and was pleased with myself…until I had the horrible realization that I couldn’t stop.

Every day, I would walk home from school; then go upstairs, strip my clothes off, and hop on the scale. I had started my diet with a goal weight in mind – and when I achieved that, I thought, “ok, that’s enough now.” I ate a little more that night, thinking I had finally reached my goal.

The next day, I hopped on the scale again…and to my horror, was down another 2 lbs., even though I didn’t necessarily want to be.  It was at that moment that I realized that my diet was totally out of control, and I didn’t know how to stop.

So the reverse happened: I started binging and purging, and that became my new normal for many months. I knew I needed food, but after eating it, I hated how I felt; so I needed to get rid of it. I spent evenings lying on the cold bathroom floor, miserable and sick, and wanting everything to end. I so desperately wanted help, but because I wasn’t emaciated (I was actually gaining weight), no one thought I was “sick.” 

“Losing my period meant I was doing things “right” – it meant I was skinny and fit. The few months that my period did return, I would be devastated, thinking I wasn’t being successful.”

For the next 6 years, I went through seasons of restricting…then binging/purging…then back to restricting. I isolated myself from friends and I engaged in self-harm practices. My period came and went, and I saw it as a badge of honor to have it gone. Losing my period meant I was doing things “right” – it meant I was skinny and fit. The few months that my period did return, I would be devastated, thinking I wasn’t being successful. As a junior in college, I tried seeing an on-campus therapist – but the therapist had no experience with eating disorders and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Experiencing my eating disorder throughout college felt like I was on my own island. It was my dream to not obsess about food – but I never thought that could possibly happen.

Finally – enough was enough. As I started my senior year, I started seeing a dietitian, who taught me how to feed myself properly. I learned how to listen to hunger cues. I realized that food was so important, and that the female body comes in so many shapes and sizes – and that’s an amazing thing. The healing process took many years and meeting my now-husband, Gabe, helped with the biggest breakthrough of all: he showed me that the most important thing in life is love – as long as I have that for myself and others, I could never go wrong. 

With Gabe’s love and support, I learned how to love myself. I started running more frequently, and saw my fastest and strongest running times correlated to fueling properly AND getting my period. When I started focusing on myself as an amazing woman, beyond the food and my body weight, I was finally able to heal. 

“The dream of losing the obsession with food has finally come true.”

Today I am the strongest, fittest, and fastest of my life. I became a mother in July 2019, and am continued to be amazed by how powerful and resilient my body truly is. That dream of losing the obsession with food has finally come true, and I couldn’t be prouder of the human I’ve become in the process.