My name is Marissa Widener. I am a recent 2020 graduate from Waldorf University. I ran cross country and track there (NAIA level). I am a 3x National Qualifier and 4x Champion of Character recipient. I graduated with honors and obtained my Bachelor of Arts in Health Promotion and Exercise Science; and am now an ACSM CPT.

I remember the morning my period first started. I was in 7^th grade and it was the morning of a XC meet. By this time, I had already fallen into the trap of “diet culture.” I spent hours on Pinterest scrolling through workouts, weight loss tips, and healthy recipes. It would only be about a year before I lost my period and would spend the next 10 years battling amenorrhea, disordered eating patterns, and exercise obsession centered around running.

Breakfast was a gas station coffee. Lunch was a granola bar and a banana. After school I would go to practice for whatever sport I was in at the time (Cheer, XC, Track, or basketball). I would then come home and eat whatever my mom made for dinner within certain limitations. I always had “food rules” for myself and food that were off limits. I remember going to the bathroom right after dinner, stripping down and weighing myself. The number on the scale dictated my next steps. If the number was what I wanted, I would go about doing my homework or watching TV; but, if I did not like what I saw, I would go to my room and shut the door. I would then proceed to run in place and perform calisthenics until I thought I had burned off the unwanted weight. I would then go back to the bathroom and reweigh myself. I wanted the scale to read a certain number every day and as time went on and I continued to lose weight, my ideal number got smaller and smaller. As I got smaller, I started running faster; making it to state XC my sophomore through senior year of high school. While my athletic career seemed to be progressing in a positive direction, other areas of my health were showing flags of under-fueling and disordered behaviors (injuries, anemia, low heart rate, and digestive issues). The digestive issues became a major source of pain my senior year of high school; thus, starting my use and abuse of laxatives that would continue throughout college.

“I wanted the scale to read a certain number every day and as time went on and I continued to lose weight, my ideal number got smaller and smaller.”

When I got to college, I knew I needed to eat more to run the higher mileage that came with being a collegiate runner. My food restriction turned into an obsession with “healthy” eating. Every day consisted of oatmeal for breakfasts and large salad bowls for lunch and dinner. The injuries were endless. I ran on a stress fracture for 5 months before finally getting it looked at only for it to take about 1.5 years to heal. Plus, I had to give myself a shot once a day for 3 months. I taught myself to run through my pain signals because I did not want to stop running. In my head if I was not running or not running enough, I could not eat.

I could go on and on about my disordered behaviors and the pain it caused me, but I know I am not the only one who has went through this. I also know that many of the athletes going through similar challenges do not need to be reminded or read a list of the behaviors and/or signs that their mental health may be suffering. Many think that eating disorders, body image issues, and RED-S are physical illnesses, but they are not. They are mental illnesses that manifest in physical behaviors. It is not normal to be thinking about food all the time. It is not healthy to be calculating the calories you burn working out compared to the calories you are putting in. It is not healthy to weigh yourself every day or body check yourself whenever you pass by a mirror…. None of these behaviors are normal and I wish someone would have told me that I was “sick enough,” before all the behaviors and health complications became my normal.

I am still recovering from my disordered eating and hypothalamic amenorrhea. Recovery is hard and some days I do not want to do it and that’s because recovery is going to be a lifelong process… the thoughts or “ED voice” will always be in the back of my mind trying to get me to fall back into negative habits. I have had to learn to “sit in the discomfort” as my therapist would say. It is uncomfortable for me to eat breakfast if I have not worked out. It is uncomfortable for me to eat a donut. It is not the act of doing it itself that is hard but instead, the thoughts and voice that is present after the fact.

 I have had to take it in small steps… like slowing decreasing my intense exercise and getting myself to eat my fear foods. Having friends and family that support my recovery is huge and I think it is super important to have those people in your circle that you can turn to during the process and be completely transparent with. While I have seen doctors routinely for check-ups, I am not working with a dietitian. The biggest help for me has been working through the thoughts and understanding what outside factors may have contributed to my disordered thoughts surrounding my body, food, and exercise. I have also had to changed different aspects of my environment such as who/what I follow on social media as well as taking a step back from my relationships with individuals that may help fuel the negative behaviors. There is no one way right way to get help. What works for one person may not work for the other.

“The biggest help for me has been working through the thoughts and understanding what outside factors may have contributed to my disordered thoughts surrounding my body, food, and exercise.”

Athletics make it extremely easy to hide these illnesses because 1) ED looks different in different bodies and 2) when someone may think there is a problem, they brush it off saying “it is just because they are an athlete- that’s why they are so small, always tired, refuse to eat the bagel, etc.” We need more knowledgeable leaders on these issues in the athletic field. Coaches are not taught all the signs and symptoms and even when they are, most athletes are not going to be open about their struggles around these topics. We need more coaches, athletes, physical therapists, athletic trainers, etc. to say, “You are sick enough… and you deserve help.” The earlier we can learn how to work through the thoughts and behaviors that are affecting us, the easier and faster it is to recover. My hope is that as these topics and conversations can become normalized in athletics. It should not be a taboo question for a coach or trainer to ask an athlete, “are you having your period?” “how are you feeling about your body?” “why aren’t you drinking the chocolate milk after the workout, like your teammates are?” Athletes are not superhuman. They have the same struggles and stresses as everyone else, on top of those centered around their sports. Once we can learn to treat and respect our bodies like the queens they are, we will level up in all other areas of our lives. Every single person deserves to see the beauty in themselves. You are more than a number, a time, or a shape and you matter.