I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. As much as this is a reflection for myself, more importantly it is a message that I feel compelled to get across to other people. This may apply best to a runner, but I think it would offer a great perspective for any person who struggles with body dysmorphia, comparing themselves to others, or suffers from any sort of dissatisfaction with themselves. It’s long and really tells my full story, but I think it is worth the read.
I started eating healthy my junior year of high school. My motive behind this was influenced by those around me and by the running culture that emphasized “healthy eating” in order to be a successful runner. My sole intention was to become a better runner and I thought that eating healthy would help me do this. And it did! While I simultaneously started eating extremely healthy and caring about running and my training a little bit more, I got drastically better. Just as fast as I had made these extreme changes, I had dropped 38 seconds off of my best mile time and was starting to look and feel more like a runner. From there I kept getting better and better which made me more and more invested in both running and eating healthy. Slowly, my identity was morphing into two words: “runner” and “healthy.” That’s what people saw of me on the outside. The girl who was on the track team and wouldn’t EVER eat anything unhealthy. My high school was small, and everyone knew those 2 things about me.
It may sound like eating healthy is a good thing. But let me describe what eating healthy became for me. For starters, it became cutting out dessert or any sweets. It became only eating 30% of the meals my mom cooked for the family because they weren’t healthy and I had to make my own. It became only eating something if it was nutritionally benefitting my body. It became reading food labels, eliminating sugar, and completely cutting out anything that I deemed “unhealthy.” Never ate another processed snack. Planned all of my meals in advance. Feared eating anything unhealthy. Started to completely dislike going out to eat because it was too stressful and I’d rather cook my own food. Looking back, I see a girl that was trying WAY too hard to be healthy. THIS, to me, sounded much more unhealthy than it did healthy.
However, this journey continued and I stopped getting my period. As a young active girl, an inconsistent cycle didn’t seem too alarming. I saw the doctor about it and they weren’t overly concerned, which only led me to continue to neglect the issue. In hindsight, it seems odd that they told a girl who had sunken into a concerningly low percentile of BMI and suddenly lost her period to just “monitor it for a while.” I wish this had not been taken lightly. Because what I didn’t realize was how incredibly serious it was to not be getting my period during this crucial period of development. And their lack of concern, like I said, only gave me assurance that I had nothing to worry about.
During this same time, I also started becoming obsessed with what I looked like on the outside. I wanted to have visible abs and look strong, “like a good runner.” Subconsciously, my confidence in running was being fueled by my satisfaction with the outward appearance of my body. If I thought I looked strong and “good,” I had confidence in myself to perform well. It became an obsession to maintain an appearance that I was satisfied with and I developed severe body dysmorphia. Not only did I have a warped perception of what I should look like, but I also had a warped perception of what I actually looked like. When I looked in the mirror and thought I looked strong, I actually looked way too skinny. When I thought I looked like I had abs, I really just looked wasted with no body fat. I would walk past mirrors and lift my shirt to see if I had abs and would excessively do core. Working out in and out of practice was my number one priority.
Nonetheless, my running success continued throughout high school. Cooking became a little side passion of mine. I took a lot of pride in trying new foods (ONLY healthy things), and learning how to prepare a wide variety of different meals. I got praised for the dedication I had to my “diet”, and how independent I became in the kitchen as a high schooler. People even considered it lucky that I didn’t get my period. I thought I had everything under control because it felt like everything I was doing was completely normal. Looking back, I realize that I never thought anything was wrong with me was because I still felt like I was eating “a lot,” or at the very least a “normal” amount. But even though my “diet” felt like a sufficient quantity, it was severely lacking in nutrient and calorically dense food that I needed for sustainable energy and to produce a period. The real problem, which I was not aware of, was a desperate obsession with looking “good” (whatever “good” was in my head) and eating in the absolute healthiest way possible because I thought that made me the best version of myself. And I would do anything, no matter how extreme, to achieve that.
Flash forward to my freshman year of college. I was heading into my first cross country season at the University of Delaware. Running had been going so well when I ended high school that I knew I was not ready to give up this journey of running competitively. I felt like I had a lot more potential. At this point in time, I had been working on my health a little bit and barely managed to get 2 tiny periods throughout my senior year of high school. I thought this was enough to validate my health, but getting 2 periods in a year was still far from normal and I didn’t even realize. I had no idea how fragile I still was entering college. Although I would consider my freshman year a “rough” time in my life, my team and my coach were by far, the best part about it. In fact, they were probably the only thing at that time that was really keeping me happy at college. My struggle was similar to most student athletes on the outside: extremely busy, adjusting to being in college, far from home, no close friends yet, overworking myself, consumed by school and running, etc. But looking back, I now see that my relationship with food was taking a bigger mental toll on me than all of those things combined.
To start, I was so uncomfortable with the shift from having whatever food I wanted accessible to me at home, to the dining hall. I had never truly dealt with food being out of my full control so I really had to adjust. I tried to force myself to be okay with occasionally eating things that I was uncomfortable with because I knew I had to. But there were so many things in the dining hall that I didn’t want that I would have to bring my own food to replace it or combine it with whatever I would eat. It was creative, but the amount of stress it added to my life was incredible. For example, I would have to bring my own bread because none of the bread at the dining hall was healthy. And the sad part, is that as stressful as it was to always be “prepared” in going to the dining hall, it was even more stressful to me thinking about having to actually eat whatever was provided. Most of the time, I already knew exactly what little dining hall creation I was going to make that day before I even walked through the door. I was even praised for being so creative in the dining hall but nobody knew how stressful it actually was in my head to do what I was doing. I would fall asleep planning the next day’s meals because I was so busy that I had to plan far in advance in order to eat what was in my comfort zone. While juggling everything else in my life, I barely realized how much of a mental toll it took on me to try and tend to my unhealthy relationship with food everyday. Then, to make matters “better” in my mind at the time, I started cooking my own meals multiple times a week in the kitchen of my dorm building. This was a very toxic decision. I threw together insufficient meals that were “healthy” and made me feel “better.” What I didn’t know was that what was making me feel “better” was giving into my mental struggle, at the expense of completely breaking down my body. I would miss out on crucial socialization with my team and my friends at the dining hall to go cook my own meals alone. Everyone thought I just loved to cook so much that I wanted to go cook my own meals, and I even had myself convinced of that. But it was much more than that.
I ended up seeking out our sports nutritionist myself, because I recognized that I was so stressed and was not getting my period which I knew was bad. I cried and cried to her because I was so stressed out by food. I was aware that my relationship with food was unhealthy and completely taking over my life, but I couldn’t actually make the changes I needed to make. Change scared me because my performance in running was going really well. I had some really good races and I didn’t want to risk getting worse. I had no idea what was coming for me. I thought I was okay enough to just keep going. Pretty soon my performances started to really fluctuate. I didn’t put two and two together, but I know now that these inconsistencies were indicative that something was completely off and I was not myself. About two months into college I went home for a weekend and my parents and family were alarmingly worried about my appearance. My nutritionist told me that my BMI had sunk so low that if I was at the school she used to work at, they wouldn’t have let me continue to run. This was when things really started to hit me, and I made an effort to gain some weight. A few weeks after that, I ran my mile PR. Things seemed better, but I had no idea the impact that my history had already had on me.
April 14th, I still remember, was the day that I got injured to the point of not being able to run. About a month later, it was diagnosed as a stress fracture on the navicular bone in my foot. I was so devastated. I continued to train by cross training everyday. After being stuck on a bike or aqua jogging for 80+ minutes a day, doing brutal workouts to stay in shape, and missing running more than ever, I realized that there is nothing worse than being injured as a runner. Mentally and physically it took an enormous amount of energy. But unfortunately, this is what it took for me to realize that I was injured because of the way I had been taking care of my body for years. Had I not gotten the most indicative injury of underfueling, god only knows how long it would’ve taken me to mend my relationship with food and get myself back to a healthy place. I worked that whole summer to get back, not just getting in shape but mending my relationship with food. I didn’t ever want this to happen again. No food was worth not eating if it meant I would be where I was at this time.
Once this sunk in, I became committed to making changes. Nothing incredibly drastic, but it doesn’t always have to be! I started increasing my portions, eating bigger night snacks, eating A LOT more calcium especially cheese and yogurt, adding more healthy fats like oils, avocados, and cashews, eating different types of breads like bagels and loafs, using butter to cook eggs, not being afraid of snacking on chips or pretzels or something that was a little bit “processed,” eating Clif bars, having dessert when I wanted it, and more. Somehow, just by pushing myself outside of what my comfort zone had been for so long, my mentality surrounding food started to change. Once I had established “what my body needed,” I didn’t overthink what I was eating so much. I didn’t plan what I was going to make. I made myself just walk into the kitchen and decide what I wanted to eat right then and there so that I could be in tune with what I wanted to eat in that moment, not what I had planned. When I was with my friends, I ate whatever was there and didn’t stress myself out about it. I saw food as fuel. No matter what type of food it was, I started seeing it as energy that my body needed. It needed substance. It needed REAL food, that it could hold onto and use for energy and repair. Soon enough, I started to become PROUD that I was giving myself that. It felt so good, and I got my period back by July.
Finally, by the end of the summer and coming back into the fall “season” at school, I was on the ground running again. It was a very long and tedious process to get back but by the end of September I was getting back into very light workouts again. As soon as I was just getting a taste of really being recovered and back to real running, I found out I got another stress fracture on my sacrum. This was the most heartbreaking news I have ever received in my life. After everything I just went through, everything I learned, getting my period back, thinking I fixed everything, and getting a taste of running again I was back to square one. I had another stress fracture. It took so long to sink in. How could this have happened? How will I ever get back to where I was? It seemed absolutely unbelievable to me. It still devastates me to think of the day I found out this news.
But to answer my own question, I never will get back to where I was. My running career will never be the same even when I do return to running, but I could not be more thankful for that. Currently, I am still recovering from this sacral stress fracture, but I view these injuries as the biggest blessings to have ever occurred in my life (related to running). I can’t even explain how much I would go back and change if I had the opportunity. Throughout the course of my first stress fracture, it hit me, hard, why I was injured. I knew EXACTLY why. It was a result of years of underfueling and not getting my period that had slowly broken down my body. And when I went to college and significantly increased my intensity and volume, soon enough my bones could not handle the stress that I was putting on them. I didn’t think I needed a second stress fracture to really rub this in, but I trust that everything happens for a reason. This only gives me more time to get my body ready to come back stronger and better than before.
I now have been getting my period for 7 months consecutively. My body has changed. There are things about it now that I would’ve been afraid of before. I don’t always look like I have “abs,” but that doesn’t matter. I broke the barrier of thinking I have to look a certain way to be good. Your shape, your build, or your outward appearance, are not indicative of how you will perform. I feel better, stronger, and more confident than I ever have before and that’s all you need for success. I still eat healthy, I still cook a lot, and I still have a passion for nutrition and food. But now, I eat what I want. I’m not TRYING to be healthy, I am just eating what my body craves and that naturally constitutes a pretty healthy diet. I have learned how to balance. I try to recognize when I’m making a decision to satisfy what my body actually wants or whether I am feeding into being too “healthy.” When I recognize the latter, I challenge that by eating the thing that’s “less” healthy if it’s what I want. When I am out to dinner, I challenge myself to order what I want off the menu, not the most healthy thing. If I’m feeling insecure about my body, I overcome that by not changing what I eat that day. I believe that these little challenges are the only way to overcome unhealthy mental habits because you will soon realize that you are freer,
happier, and just as healthy if you eat what you actually want.
I am still a work in progress of course, but the importance of talking about this and opening up the discussion around periods and unhealthy eating habits is so important. It only helps me continue on this journey of improving my relationship with food and my body, and hopefully helps others too. I hope this vulnerability can help people see and understand the
signs, whether it is recognizing it within yourself or in someone else. Energy deficiency is a cycle that takes a very long time to climb out of, and can continue to cause injuries until your body has caught up with it’s deficit. This is why it is so important, and you don’t want it to be too late. Making sure you are getting a consistent period is the #1 indicator of female health. Health is not defined by the food you eat, but by your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state all coming together to make you an all around happy and healthy person. I may not eat as perfectly healthy as I did before, but my mind feels free, my life is SO much happier, I feel strong, and now more than ever before, I am a truly healthy person.
gamechanger 2020
