High School:

I started running competitively when I was young and loved it from the beginning. When I entered high school, I jumped right into cross-county in the fall and track in the spring/winter. I absolutely loved running during my whole high school career. I had great coaches, the team was small and close-knit, and the environment was always positive and encouraging. Looking back, I recognize that while my diet during those years could have used some improvement (for example more fruits and vegetables) I felt like I had a great relationship with food. The only thing that was “off” was that I did not get my period consistently. I never felt over-trained, never got injured, and never restricted my foods so as I reflect back on those years after completing the Nourished Performance program, I realize that I most likely was not eating enough food to fuel my activity level and keep my body at 100%. I actually only recently, several years later, started to get a consistent period again. When I asked doctors about it, they consistently told me that it was fine and that I would get my period back when I stopped running. As a runner, we know that rarely ever happens.  Running is a lifelong sport; I’m never going to stop running. It is insane, dangerous, and irresponsible that there are doctors out there telling these young girls that it is okay to have amenorrhea.

Despite this, I had a lot of success during my high school career. I competed in state meets, broke school records, and was recruited by several collegiate programs. I ultimately decided to choose a Division 3 school so I could have a balanced academic/athletic experience, something that was very important to me. While I would not go back and alter any of my decisions because they were valuable learning experiences, I am sorry to say that my collegiate running experience was exactly the opposite of what my high school one was.

College:

I was the fastest freshman on the team when I arrived at school, but my struggles with mental and physical health started almost immediately. A lot of this can be attributed to homesickness and navigating the transition from high school to college but a large part, probably the largest part, was the toxic team atmosphere that began to reveal itself. Most of my teammates were warm and welcoming and some are my closest friends to this day. However, there were some that were very judgmental, and the negative energy spread like wildfire through my team. I vividly remember being in the dining hall my first year and feeling judged for what I ate. I started to feel insecure about my body for the first time in my life. I saw that my coach truly only cared about the girls who ran fast, and those girls were all much thinner than me. In an attempt to look like them, I developed restrictive and disordered eating habits. It didn’t take long to start having a hard time performing up to my potential because my body started crumbling, I experienced severe GI issues, developed nutrition deficiencies and the complete lack of support was causing my mental health to suffer.

The toxic mindset that a lot of my teammates displayed revealed itself in many different ways. There was this unspoken rule on my team that if you did not perform well at a meet, you should not eat afterwards because you did not “earn it.”  The same thing was true for practice. It was viewed as “strong” or a sign of toughness and self-control to not eat after working out. It was also viewed as a sign of weakness if we needed to take a drink in the middle of practice.  I remember feeling so judged stepping off the track to get my water bottle, and slowly adjusted to not ever drinking at practice because of that.  Looking back on this now, it is completely RIDICULOUS that I felt the need to follow these absurd rules.  However, when I was on the team, it felt so important that I do these things to succeed.  It is so sad that teams foster this type of unhealthy environment… I know that my team was not the only one that had these unrealistic “rules” to follow. 

Another thing that I noticed throughout college was that my teammates were always sorer than me and it took them longer to recover after workouts. I always thought that this was because I was not working hard enough, a thought that quickly led to more disordered eating and me overexerting myself at practice (which combined was not good for me at all!)  I felt so validated when your program taught me that poor nutritional habits can lead to one being sorer for longer due to impaired recovery- I saw it firsthand!  I should have been proud that I was recovering super well from my workouts, but instead I always felt guilty.

Even though I was part of a team in college, I felt like I was alone. I felt like I couldn’t talk to my teammates or coaches about anything I was going through because they genuinely did not care. I wasn’t running as fast or producing the kind of results they expected so I didn’t get any attention. I felt like my concerns about disordered eating and my physical and mental health were not taken seriously because I didn’t look the part. I didn’t lose a ton of weight and I didn’t “look” depressed like some of the other girls. I honestly believe they just thought I was lying about my issues because I was lazy or didn’t want to run anymore, which was not the case at all. I also had a constant internal battle because as an exercise science major, I was learning about nutrition and exercise principles in class, but saw my teammates and coaches doing the exact opposite when I got on the track. After my junior year, I was actually nominated to be a Captain but decided to step away from the team because of the toxic environment. Though I am still friends with some of my teammates, the overall team culture was toxic and unhealthy, and I couldn’t put myself through it anymore.

The fall of my senior year, I needed to prove to myself that I was still a good runner and I needed to regain my love for the sport again.  I decided to run a marathon and it was the best decision I ever made.  I regained my love for the sport again, and over the last year, I have continued to work to regain my confidence with running.  I still am so upset that there are people from my college team that believe that I am weak and not capable of running fast, but I know deep down that it was the environment that inhibited me from performing, not actually me.  Looking back, I am so grateful for the experiences that I had because it has truly increased my passion for nutrition and exercise science.  I am so happy that I have been able to get on top of my health and help others around me do the same.  I am so happy that I have way more support now, and finally feel like my body is where it is supposed to be. I really hope my story and my feedback helps you impact people, as well.  I truly never want people to feel like I felt in my college running career!